Hi. My name is Michael, and this is my loneliness blog.
I’ll go ahead and christen this blog with a post explaining why I’ve created it, which is simply this: to be heard.
Being heard is not easy for someone who is alone. Loneliness is a constant burden of pain and suffering. (I’m sure I will elaborate on that at length another time.) I want to tell someone. I want to be comforted. But who? And how?
The woman with whom I am in a relationship, who loves me and supports me by listening to me explain my inner pain, and comforts me, and tells me it’s alright? Obviously not.
My platonic friends are no good, either. They all want to understand, in a conversation, the reason I am alone, and then help me solve it. However, there is no single reason. There are many factors, some which I understand, and some which are mysteries to me. Soon, there will be a whole blog full discussions about of the various factors that contribute to my loneliness. Ultimately, the overall cause of my loneliness is unknowable. And solutions? I’ve already tried them all. Don’t think I haven’t, and don’t think you’re going to suggest something I haven’t thought of in all these years. The bottom line is that these conversations are always repetitive, humiliating, and not helpful.
I will also add that some of my friends are women with whom I would rather have a romantic, rather than platonic, relationship. Their existence aggravates my feelings of loneliness that much more. Worse, some of them know this, and I can’t even mention my loneliness without implying some kind of blame.
I have tried using fiction as an outlet. I haven’t completely given up on this, but let me tell you, no one wants to read about a lonely character who stays lonely. Readers expect some kind of happy ending. The girl falls for the guy in the end. The character learns to be content with his loneliness. I have done neither, and I’m not happy. I can’t write that.
So that leaves what, Facebook? Anonymous pleas to be heard but not helped? I’ll assume that everyone reading this has learned the hard way that Facebook is only to be used for happy thoughts and politics.
Many years ago, when my loneliness was still kind of new, I frequently wrote about it in a journal along with everything else about me, in an online venue where I thought I might actually meet someone. That backfired, because instead of being viewed as a possible romantic partner, I was regarded as something more like a science experiment or a reality TV show. I was interesting only as a source of insight.
Once I figured that out, I switched to writing in a private journal. It has been very beneficial to me for structuring my thoughts, but obviously I am not heard. Everything is contained, and I am even more isolated.
The other day, I unloaded on someone, explaining why I don’t like to talk about my loneliness. Ironically, it felt good to talk about why I don’t want to talk about it. I realized that I do want to talk about it, but in a way that lets me control the conversation.
So here we are. What do I expect this blog to become? Possibly a guide to understanding people who are chronically lonely. Possibly a comfort to others who suffer from loneliness. I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to write it and be heard.